Tryst With Destiny-To Be Continued

It seems my goal of achieving even the minuscule of happiness has become a distant dream. The more I motivate myself the farther my goals and ambitions go. I have simply failed to understand the underlying techniques of nature. Is it my destiny? Am I destined to struggle? Is it the fact that I am destined to be an average and the more I seek to rise above that it becomes out of my league. It did not start here and from the course of its recurrence in my life I am pretty sure that it will not end here.

Since my childhood and school days I have seen destiny playing games with me. Whenever I tried to unshackle myself out of this barbed loop I was firmly put back into my place. I remember struggling to find a place in playground, my class and then tuition. It just never left my side. I was an average in everything I did. The moment I tried to come out of it and achieve something for myself I was razed out. The glory of the day always belonged to someone else. From classes to grades to college to good education and finally love and career- I never chose what I have today. My choice was never a preference. When I look back today my whole life has been a big compromise. Compromise with courses I took, college I attended, the kind of guys I dated and finally the career path I chose. For an "average" you are not allowed to choose rather you are supposed to take whatever you have been given. I sound like a defeatist here. I definitely feel like one right now; but trust me there was never a time when I did not try to break out of this merry-go-round. I did many times, I always failed to come out victorious.

There is a saying in Hindi which goes something like this "Kismat se zyada aur samay se pehle kisi ko kuch nahi milta", which in English means "You do not get anything beyond your time and destiny". Simply put it suggests that you  will get what you are destined for when your time comes. I always found this quote very negative. Firstly, it limited me to my destiny. No matter how much I struggle for something if it is not destined to me I will not get it. Secondly, there is a time frame set to it. So even if I try I would still not get it because it is simply not my time. My Ex- who is doing pretty good in life, he used to tell me this. I always got into an argument with him over this. But now it seems I have come to accept it. There is a certain destiny which has decided my fate and I am simply a pawn at its hand. I am a helpless, powerless average human bound by the shackles of destiny and time.

There are so many things bad times make you realize. They make you believe in astrology and they make you believe that you can never have faith in yourself. No matter how much I try to motivate myself for the next day it puts me back into my place and tells me "here it is, I am giving you this, stay happy with it". Sadly, this is what I have been doing all my life. I wish I could tell my destiny to just relax and let me take over instead. I would have told her/him (if only it had a gender) to let me be. I would have told her to let me explore my possibilities and my abilities. If I could just have things the way I actually wanted them to be I don't think I would have been even writing this blog. I know hardly anyone reads my blog but this is the only place I can come to for solace. Everywhere else for me at present is pretty depressing and glum.

I still wait for the sun to shine on me, I still hope that everything will be all right. I wish I see the days when I can sit somewhere comfortably, with my dog by my side, a clear blue sea in sight and laptop in hand writing about the happier times in my life.